on tech trends

I don't quite understand the health monitor fad.

I don't get it for non-athletes and I especially don't get it for athletes. 'Cause ain't no training athlete going to use a glorified pedometer to keep track of their numbers! Why? Because it's not detailed or accurate or interactive enough. Cyclists, for example, need cadence and grade info. Runners want GPS and lap/interval ability. And purely active individuals? Those monitors do jack for keeping track of how much yardwork, kayaking, or wakeboarding you did. So, yea, I don't get the health monitor fad. I also don't get the accompanying rewards system theory — virtual badges/rewards for reaching certain goals. Does that actually motivate people to do what they wouldn't otherwise?! I mean, if it does, great ... but does it really? I'm actually asking.

And while I'm on this tech rant ... I don't get the appeal of the Apple Watch either. But, of course, I don't wear a watch. Ever. I don't like stuff on my wrist ... and MY PHONE tells me what time it is when I want to know. How many of you still wear watches and actually look at them? There must be a lot of you 20-30-somethings out there if Apple's heading down that road ... because I don't see many 55 year old executives joining a clamor for a colorful bubble icon menu and the ability to send heartbeats and doodles to one's contact list ...

But, again, I may be an exception to the rule. The thing I use my tech for the most is picture taking and texting - one of which I simply can't do with a watch and the other, while feasible, would require I rely on dictating to Siri - who, sorry chic, STILL SUCKS at hearing me right the first, second and third times. Maybe I mumble. Whatev.

Anyway. Fitness monitors and smart watches. I don't get it. #justsayin

on who I wasn't

“Ten years from now, may we all look back and love who we were while hardly recognizing them.”

— Don Miller

This is kind of a mind dump, so prepare yourself for fragments and a rough flow …

——

I spent a lot of my life trying to be someone I just wasn’t.

A dancer. A singer. An actress. A speaker. A choreographer. A leader. 

I didn’t know I wasn’t those things. I guess I kept thinking I could be. So, I kept alluding to being this girl that I wasn’t. Looking back, I can confidently say I didn’t do any of it maliciously or pathologically. Always curious, always wanting to be better, I’d sign up for things, thinking I should and that it’d be different this time — that it’d be natural, good, maybe even easy. But it wasn’t. Ever. At all. 

I punked out each and every time it was time to perform.

I’d quit. Back out. Stall. I even faked sickness a time or two.

Something started me thinking about it all last night. I felt the flush of a fool and it was like opening up pandora’s box. In an instance, memory after memory came flooding back — reminders of times when I ran because I knew I wasn’t going to live up to expectations — mine and/or someone else’s …

Soccer. Track. That time I got cheerleading co-captain for basketball. That acting class. Club president. Choreographing for a local JV cheerleading squad. Choreographing for the church’s family program. Speaking at/welcoming/doing a skit at FCA. Chorus in 7th grade. Random pickup sports. I’m still not even sure I didn’t initially pursue my current career because I realized I just wasn’t an expert in my former one. The list goes on …

This is my pattern. That’s my confession. My fear of failure. My self-loathing and condemnation. My pride and self-protection. My idolizing of labels and talents and my pathetic pursuit of what was never mine to catch.

I’m writing this now because I feel the pull of old habits. Feeling slow at success in this new career, I’m inclined to sign up for what’s not mine to own … to be what I’m not … to walk toward something I’ll most likely turn tail and run from eventually …

But, I won’t give in. It’s harder to run the older you get. There’s more to lose. Less to gain. It’s not really even an option anymore — to walk away. Finances won’t stand for it. My reputation wouldn’t survive it. And frankly, I actually don’t want to run. Even though it’s hard and I’m still learning and growing into/from it, I like where I’m at, what I’m doing, and who I’m impacting. I'm good at this, even if I like to tell myself that I'm not.

So, I’m not going to try and be what I’m not. I’ll never be that counselor that works cases just to get hours. I’ll never be that counselor that markets herself as an expert on something just because it’s a good marketing/brand strategy. I’m made for an in-depth discussion in a little room behind a closed door. I’m a reader and a writer and a thinker. I’m an introvert. I’m flawed. I’m still learning how to evade depression and to reach for connection. I care less about what you think than I did, but still care a little too much about what I think of myself … and I have to stop apologizing for all of it.

I’m working on loving who I am and who I was in my scared, impressionable, reactionary years. My husband says there's a silver lining in all of it — a hint of nobility in my quitting — I got to try a lot of different things, more than most people. I tested waters. I found out for sure what I liked and what I didn’t … what I could do and what I couldn’t … where I fit and what grated against my nature. I may not have known it then, but I know it now.

I’m better today for my foolish ways and failures of yesterday. Praise God.

because laughter is good for you

I'm not even sure why I think this is so funny, but I do - just watched it for the 10th time in a row:

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=317761211720449&id=118495648313674

my music: "river bank" by brad paisley

Guess who FINALLY gets to see this guy in concert next month? ME! So psyched. Want in? Section 16 at the Tampa amphitheater on the 15th! #bucketlist 

because you can't actually do everything

“I have a theory that burnout is about resentment. And you beat it by knowing what it is you’re giving up that makes you resentful.”

— Marissa Mayer, Yahoo CEO

What are you about? What are your core values?

Your priorities? What truly matters to you?

I lob those questions (or similar) at clients occasionally ... and I'd say it's a 50/50 split when it comes to someone having an answer at ready. And even then, those quick with an answer usually wind up amending their response as a session progresses.

The lesson? We're all a little confused when it comes to being honest with ourselves, especially about ourselves! Without a standard of truth, it's very easy to get lost ... especially when life gets busy, change comes and details threaten to consume.

So, in a busier season than I've experienced in awhile, I've been challenged to make sure I KNOW WHAT I'M ABOUT ... so that I don't get lost and/or distracted and grow resentful. 'Cause, you know, hypocrisy sucks. As does regret ...

In re-reading Shauna Niequist's Bittersweet recently, I came across a portion (read the awesome chapter here) in which she talks about what her life is about ... and the day she came face-to-face with the reality that:

“It’s not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What’s hard, [her friend said] is figuring out what you’re willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about.”

As a result, she made a list of what she's about ... and what she's not. I like that idea. Seems clarifying. So, I'm giving it a try.

What am I about? Some of the following:

• Letting the light in. I'm outdoors or tugging blinds open every chance I get. I like God best when I'm in nature. I believe in hope easier when the sun is out. I was made for a Garden and something core in me is restless when stuck indoors.
• Putting my husband first. I want an awesome marriage. I think we're called to such things — to reflect the glory of God in our joining. I want our marriage to shine hope and joy and a whole lot of potential in Jesus ... so, the Mr. gets first dibs on my time, my sacrifice, my attention and my growth.
• Valuing vacation and travel. I choose budgeting for getaways, play, adventure and experiences over new clothes, house renovations, new cars and speedy student loan payoffs.
• Self-care. I've learned to listen to my body and to honor what it's telling me. As a result, I eat better, cleaner and, sometimes, just in response to cravings (this explains my vanilla custard/rainbow sprinkles, chocolate cake and buffalo wing obsessions). I go walking or running when I ache. I lay down the cash for a massage when I can feel the toxicity building up. I nap when I'm tired. And, I wine when I'm anxious, beer when I'm happy ... :)
• Banning busy. I want my life to breathe, to have space to flex and wonder and wander. It's in the empty, quiet spaces that I hear God, feel, find clarity and am acted upon by the extraordinary. I'm not going to give that up for any amount of money, prestige, friends, followers or affirmations.

Things I'm NOT about? A glimpse of some of What I Don't Do:

• Keep my house spotless and organized. We LIVE here ... life is messy and I have better things to do with my time.
• Church. At least, not the "go to a building on Sundays" Americana, megachurch version. Instead, I'm spiritually hungry for (and nurtured/inspired by) consistent community, authentic conversations, personal reading and shared prayer.
• Say yes if I'd rather or need to say no. This is a daily struggle for a recovering perfectionist, caretaker type, but I'm getting better at it ... and learning to enjoy the freedom that comes with an honest "no."
• Respond to my phone just because it dings or rings. Just because we live in a culture of urgent doesn't mean we have to succumb to it's demands. My phone stays on "vibrate" and, yes, that's because I don't want to always know I'm wanted, needed or on someone else's schedule. This is part of how I un-shoulder the expectations of others and allow myself to LIVE PRESENT.
• Try to be something I'm not. This is especially true when it comes to hair and makeup. I do both for work (most of the time), but rarely otherwise anymore. I don't have "perfectly put together" in me — genes or otherwise — so, I've quit trying to hit that mark ... and, honestly, I kind of like the "effortless" look/reality of my air-dried hair, freckled skin, and sports bra, tank-top wearing body.

There's more ... for another post and another day. But, in the meantime, again, I ask you: What are you about? Does your current life reflect those things? If not, what's holding you back?

my kind of sunday

Currently: I'm sitting on a beach chair in my open garage, overlooking my freshly cleaned car on the driveway, listening to Brad Paisley sing about inner tubes and trailer hitches, sipping a Jose Cuervo margarita out of a plastic cup and reading a 10-page paper from 1980 on Gestalt Therapy written by Gertrude Krause. 

Currently: I kind of like myself. And my life. 

#feelthegood

'murica

Three clients to go today and all I want to do is go home and read something earthy, simple and beautiful. Willa Cather, maybe. 

“ “And that is happiness; to be dissolved into something complete and great. ...””

— willa cather

on why my nephews are the cutest

on conflict and contentment

I'm conflicted about whether or not I should be conflicted about my blogging (or lack thereof) habits. Should I be concerned that I don't have an urge to chat about anything online? Should I be worried that nothing in my life seems to warrant the time and energy of writing about it? And if that's my measure of worthiness - where'd that come from? Idiocy or intellect? Is my current state of contentment cause for concern as a result? 

'Cause I am. Content, that is. 

With qualifers, of course. I mean, I'm completely out of shape - I haven't run a mile in, well, weeks. The last time I hit the gym was like a month ago, which was probably the second time that month. I've self-soothed a time or two (or twelve) with cake. And a beer ...  and I kind of don't care ...

And I still look at homes for sale on Zillow once a week. Occasionally, I send a link to the Mr. for kicks ... and dreams. I stroll through the garden department at Home Depot every few weekends, picturing a landscape overhaul of our current property.

I've got a Pinterest board for a private practice office. I've measured furniture. I've run numbers. I even bought a pillow for color palette reference. I've got more clients. Just note enough yet.

I have a list of books to read a mile long. Fiction, vocation-focused stuff. I'm eager for competence, depth, expertise. I take notes, watch TedTalks ... pick the brain of the established.  It confounds me that they're all so right and all so wrong at the same time.

So, yea, I guess I want more. Other. I'm never satisfied, but I'm content. I'm not as torn and confused as I once was ... I don't need to process or prove much in public anymore. I guess. Very little gets me riled up these days. I don't need as many answers. I've got less expectations for myself and others. It's nice. 

This is good. So, I'm sharing. :) 

on why my nephews are the cutest

hello hybrid!

After my surprising and excessive (and, therefore, odd) giddiness whilst buying weed killer for my lawn last week, it is not as though I needed more evidence of my complete indoctrination into the cult of ADULTHOOD ...

However, I jumped straight into sainthood with yesterday's purchase of a HYBRID automobile!

Now, before thou freaks out and wonders if I've somehow forgotten myself completely, (after all, I am the girl who'd gladly drive a jacked up, gas-guzzling 4x4 if it were financially feasible ... and I lived on a farm and owned horses and a boat!), know that the aforementioned hybrid is a hybrid SUV. It's still bigger and higher and it's still a V6. Just, as a hybrid, it guzzles gas at the rate of a typical sedan instead of that of a truck.

She's pretty, ain't she?  

And no, I'm not pregnant (though mad props to Cayla for being the first to ask and Katie for being the first to hint at it being a family-sized car)!  Rather, we've got kayaks and bikes to haul on adventures!

And, yes, I do realize the ironic/contradictory nature of my love for chemical weed killer and my love for my new hybrid car. Perhaps adulthood is a whole lot about confusion and compromise and ever-changing constructs?

Onward ... 

my music: "the heart" by needtobreathe

I'm obsessed with this song. Can't wait to make it a lifestyle video soundtrack. For realz.

Ain't no gift like the present tense
Ain't no love like an old romance
Got'sta make hay when the sun is shinin'
Can't waste time when it comes time to dance …

Long live the heart, 
Long live the soul
That knows what it wants
That piece you can find
That part is the whole —
It never lets go …

my music: "we are tonight" by billy currington

I've got this one on repeat tonight:

"The night's still young, never gonna get old
Livin' for today like there's no tomorrow
Follow the grooves, the tires in the grass
Stayin' on the gas like we're never comin' back ...

It's a Friday night, it's a small town girl
Everything is right and we rule the world
Two twelve's in the truck back, beating
A bunch of rock stars on a riverbank singing: 'whoa, whoa, everything, whoa, whoa
Everything we wanna be — We are, we are, we are tonight'"

----

County music appeals to me for a lot of reasons. Recently, I realized that a major pull is how effortlessly a little bit of twang seems to call forth the spirited youth in me. The invincible, innocent, awakening adolescent, the exploring twenty-something ... she isn't long gone when County is on ... in fact, I think she lives a little for the first time.

When I hear County music, I believe against the negative for awhile. I cherish what I've got for a bit. I think for a second (or the hour or two I can turn it up and drive or sit or dance in it) that there's still hope and a better way of doing this thing we call life ... And wrapped in the sound of a steel guitar and intrigued by an inspiring lyric, I believe for minute that what the songs are selling might actually be for me ... might actually come my way.

What's your favorite music stir up in you?