to have or not to have ...

Kids, that is. 

And, yes, that is the question.

It's a heavy, looming, invasive question. The answer, a simple yes or a simple no, but a syllable unfathomably complicated in context and consequence.

Sometimes I like the idea of kids. When I see the Mr. with a nephew. When I cuddle the same. When I hear a name I like, see a stroller I'd push, or a baby wrap I'd wear. Sometimes I feel the fit. When I realize how much I know about attachment and emotion and brain development. When I'm told how much I have to give. When I catch myself so delighted by a two-year-old's discovery or a 17-year-old's confidence. When I see a couple going about adventure and intimacy with a smiling kid in tow. Sometimes, I think I should HAVE.

But, sometimes I don't like the idea. When I see woman after woman disappear into nap schedules and momma drama. When I see a trip overseas exchanged for a new four-door car. When I realize I wouldn't be able to ride regular on a motorcycle for a long while. When I read in research how even the best nurturing and discipline doesn't fix what's broken in DNA. When I hear a song and note that the pull to carefree is still so strong, unsettled, and wanting to be satisfied. When I see what's now normal (scary) in the world and cringe at the emerging repercussions. Sometimes I think I should NOT.

Sometimes, I REALLY don't like the idea. Like, when I'm sitting grateful for the comfortable and delightful dynamic I have with my husband. In those moments, I think a kid would kill it ... and I revolt against the idea of parenthood.

Sometimes, I REALLY like the idea. Like, when I'm sitting in the middle of a family gathering, watching a 10-minute video montage of a nephew's life thus far. In those moments, I see how a kid could enhance a life ... and I smile at the idea of that experience.

So, to have or not to have?

I don't know. But, dang, if it doesn't feel like the ONLY question that matters these days. Sometimes, I wish the question felt less looming and invasive. Sometimes, I think it's a stupid, socially-forced question, not worthy of my time. Most of the time, I think it's really a presumptuous question — ridiculous to even think I have any control over God's creation (or not) of another human being.

But, at almost 34 years of age, it's still THE question bouncing around my head. And I ain't got no answers. :)

Yet.

Oahu, Hawaii

Fresh coconut water on the shores of the North Shore.

on being me

Sometimes it's really hard being in a different stage of life/living a logistically different life than (what seems like) everyone else. It's a little bit lonely. And trying to figure out how to make the most of it instead of being depressed by it? Well, that's a daily battle.

Tonight I dance, alone, in my living room. Wine glass in hand and a little happy, and a little sad conflicting in my heart.

this is not the most wonderful time of the year

At least not for me.

Come the close of Christmas Day, I start yearning for Spring. Every year, as December arrives and hurtles toward holiday hurrah, I start clamoring for sunny days. My soul longs for Resurrection. My spirit scans for lake views. My body begs for the freedom of a bikini. I think my neural pathways find their way to joy more easily when the middle of March comes around. By April, I find myself acquainted with hope. By May, I believe in a reality of abundant life. But, until then? I struggle. And ache for something more. Something different. And this week — the one immediately following the emotional high of Christmas — is the hardest to plod through …

But, I’m walking … little steps today toward the March … April … May of tomorrow.

#30days ... the list goes on

I am grateful for ...

How deliciously warm it is under the covers on a cold morning. 

My parents.  So many reasons.

Wand curling irons - so we straight-haired girls can change it up occasionally.

The struggle to get clients - I'm learning so much about myself, God, the profession and how to help people as a result of the less than ideal circumstances. 

The ability to Google - I am thankful for the ease of access to all the informations whenever, wherever.

The fact that growing up doesn't mean we're done growing. For learning new things each day and changing as a result, I am thankful. 

Pinterest - it made kitchen updating fun and helps make Christmas shopping a little less stress-inducing. 

Random dachshund sightings - so friggin' cute and joy-bringing!

My home - the person that shares it with me, the fact that we've made it our own, the cozy parts and the less than ideal pieces - it's ours and it's home and I'm so thankful for the blessings of shelter and security (and a low mortgage!).

#30days ... singalongs, beautiful weather

I'm grateful for ...

Last night's primer painting hour - I loved working hard with my best friend, listening to 90's pop on Pandora and making progress on our #kitchenupdate

Friday blue skies and breeze - it's days like today that make me thankful to be a Florida girl.

#30days ... traditions, tub, granite, greggo, validation

I'm grateful for ...

Potters (certain stuffed Christmas penguins) being thrown at my head. I'm thankful for the Mr.'s understanding that a little tradition can go a long way toward good on a "bad day."

A Sunday breakfast date with Tub and Reece. Grateful for the munchkin snuggle that came prior, too.

Affordable granite countertops! Pictures to come, but I am thankful for the refreshed, luxury look our "discount" granite gives our #kitchenupdate.

Greggo's unexpected (and welcomed) text invite to join him for dinner. I sincerely wish I could have made it happen!

Unsolicited permission from my mom to take care of myself. After eight clients in a 12-hour day, the suggestion of a warm shower, a little TV and a glass of wine felt wonderfully validating.

#30days ... my office, apple, freelance

I am grateful for ...

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My office — The room itself is in a great facility and both Seasons and my own office have an aesthetic that's serene and pretty and professional. I am proud to welcome new clients into the space and I know my current clients are really comfortable there. For a place that feels like me and provides an environment that's conducive to healing, I am thankful on a daily basis.

Apple — I've been a "mac girl" since 2004, beginning the day I became a design/production intern. A decade later, the closest I've come to operating a non-apple tech/media device (on a regular basis) was the few tragic months I owned an Android phone in 2012. For saving me from hours of "blue screens", hard drive fails and virus headaches, I am grateful for Apple.

My freelance opportunities — For being able to occasionally make needed money doing things that come easy and/or natural to me, I am blessed.

The Mr.'s freelance opportunities — For the places and people that value his expertise and pay him for it, I am thankful.

#30days ... my clients

I'm grateful for ...

My regulars - I'm honored by their trust, inspired by their stick-to-it-vness, and changed by their continued transformation. I am thankful to get to be a part of their process, to hear their story and to watch them write new chapters!

#30days ... nephews, firepits

I'm grateful for ...

The best gifts my brothers ever gave me — my nephews are just a delight to know and watch grow. I may be partial, but I'm pretty sure my four nephews are the cutest kids on the planet.

Yesterday, as I was walking a fussy Caleb away from the crowd at Wyatt's baseball game, Miles started calling my name. Once he had my attention, he ran to catch up and hang out. We pulled weeds out of the sidewalk cracks. It was awesome. They're awesome. My hope and prayer is to be a helpful and fun place for all the little guys to run to throughout their life ... in the meantime (and always), I'm just thankful to be their aunt!

Firepits — Peaceful and communal, a little ring of fire is a great way to end a day. The Mr. and I light ours up an average of a couple times a week, and we're always game for joining others around theirs. I'm thankful for the heat and how it draws people together.

#30days ... my car

I'm grateful for ...

The Highlander Hybrid — She's my first SUV, first hybrid, first height on the road. I kinda love her. She's a little classy and a little rugged. Wood grain and cargo mats. Kinda like me.

I like how she drives and how my butt fits in the driver's seat. The hybrid gets us decent mpg and the V6 makes me forget that reality. We've put the tow hitch and roof racks to regular use, hauling bikes and boats, here and there. I'm thankful for the vehicle that gets me from A to B and I'm thrilled that She makes it an enjoyable journey.

#30days ... flexibility

I'm grateful for ...

The flexibility of my work schedule — As my own business, I have the ability to make my schedule AND to alter it when necessary ... like when I get sick and need to lie silent for hours in a dark room lit only by a marathon of home improvement shows. Today, coughing up a lung and needing to lay around, I'm thankful I can control when and how I work.

#30days ... morning radio

I'm grateful for ...

The Monsters in the Morning — I miss "Drunky" and Daniel, but as this morning proved, the remaining talent can still make me cry-laugh as I'm driving to work. For easy laughter and strangers who feel like familiar friends, I'm thankful.

#30days ... my Mr.

I am grateful for ...

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His sacrifices — he's working three jobs to keep us financially floating and comfortable. All three jobs are thankless and often lonely. They wear him out - physically and emotionally. But he rarely complains. And he's still a present husband. He's more tuned into my needs and giving me what I need (and sometimes what I don't even know I need) than I could have ever hoped for or expected. His love is daily testament to selflessness.

His boyishness — he's got a youthful giddiness about him when he's excited about things. He throws himself unrestrained into projects and ideas. He's a baby/kid whisperer. Maybe it's because he's got a wonderful innocence and curiosity about him that's too rare. Either way, he's a regular delight and just being with him is teaching me how to play.

His willingness — he tries, he learns, he asks, he answers. He's up for whatever. Whether it's seat dancing to Taylor Swift, camping down the road, remodeling the kitchen, or sailing the inter-coastal, he is accessible. Invested. Game on. He doesn't deny his fear and his anxiety, but he steps over what threatens to hold him back from life on a regular basis. It's inspiring. And his openness forces mine.

His skin — it's warm and soft and smells perfectly comforting. Cuddled on the couch, snuggling in bed or simply holding hands as we walk into the store, touching him feels like safety and security. It's just the best.

He's the best. And I am blown away blessed that he picked me.