Gosh, this is a weird season of life. I'm now two miscarriages into the idea of being a mom, with no plans or answers on the horizon. My pups are a major obsession, and I'm fully aware that it's partly to do with the pregnancy losses. That bothers me sometimes, but mostly I just let myself delight in their soft fur and fun little personalities (plus, their total love of me? Man, that's just good for the soul). I'm running/training again. Which is good, because I'm legitimately out of shape. I'm a pretty good counselor, but my schedule doesn't reflect it. I need more referral sources and I'm stumped in how to get them. The low client load routinely triggers my core negative cognition of "I don't matter" and leaves me unmotivated to work - filling my head with messaging about messups and inadequacies. I forget I'm an adult and feel like the stupid little kid again. My inner child needs a hug. But so does the Mr.'s. He's in school. And he's loving it. The subject matter - in content, relay and purpose - is lighting him up. He's really good at it too. Watching him be so engaged and excited is delightful. I hate that he's been so vocationally dead for so long and no one noticed (or cared). But, things are different for him now and I think that means things will be different going forward. That's good. Scary to think about though. It's a little tough, him being so amped, and me being so, well, not. It feels harder to connect, to be seen and wanted. And that goes right back to core wounding stuff too. I'm working through it, but it's slow going. I know that's normal, but that doesn't make it feel okay. Besides that, we're currently broke. Savings? Trashed. Despite our low debt (just the house and my grad loan), the season is kicking our ass. With my client load low and he without an income for the next couple months, well, it's a big ouch. Especially with the big ass car repair, the needed new mower, my workshop hotel stay, running shoes, birthdays, baby showers and weddings. ... the list goes on. Then there's that vacation we need and want to go on (Steamboat, we're gonna figure out how to come for you!), the tires our cars are begging for, and then there's the dreams ... of a car with Bluetooth and a backup camera, the house with the land and the water ... Yeah, those dreams sit heavy on the backburner this season. I kind of resent it - the decision I have to make daily not to hit up the realtor or autotrader dot coms. I kind of resent how money seems to come easier (or show up in bank accounts) for others. I started looking online for jobs last night. I can't tell if it's smart or an attempt at running away from the discomfort of the season and trying to damn up a process that needs to flow through.
These are the thoughts as they come. This is #reallife. More later.