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It’s a cute picture - mommy and baby on the floor. Maybe it’s naptime. Maybe it’s tummy time. Either way, it’s a cute selfie.

And it is. But, it’s not the full story. The full story is that I HAD to put her down on the floor because I can’t sit down - not only because my butt hurts so bad, but also because the medication I’m using to try and remedy my butt problem tends to creep forward and create pain in my frontal regions if I’m not laying down.  

I’d rather be holding her, rocking her to sleep. 

But this is how it is, because of my butt. The TMI: two fissures that are not healing because I don’t always poop liquid (uh, who does?!), and, therefore recreate a problem every other day. And the fissures are excruitiatingly painful and distracting from life and sleep and productivity. Also, not sexy. But, duh.

Unfortunately, because of this pain, I have not been the mother I want to be. As soon as I got past the hard newborn stage I wrote about in previous posts, I walked right into this butt problem. I resent it. Because I love her. I really do. I don’t even want to go back to work because I just want to be with her and engage her and soak up her all her coos and smiles and curious glances. I worry what the tension in my body is transmitting to her when she feeds or we get a pain-free minute to snuggle. I worry she’ll be in therapy when she’s 25 because my butt created a fracturing in attachment development ... Crazy thinking? Maybe. Maybe not.

And because the goal is soft poop, I’m supposed to take Miralax. While safe for breastfeeding, it’s not - because it redirects  all the water you take in to your gut. So, my milk supply is severely dwindling. The one blessing there is that the doc said it’s really just the first two to three months that breast milk has its major impact. So, made that. Whew.

Forgive how poorly written this post may be - I’m more typing as an update ... and for catharsis. This just plain sucks. So much.  

Pray for healing, because I do t know how to enjoy life like this, let alone mother well ... 

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