My work this pregnancy, besides the obvious (i.e. growing a human), has been a lot of peacing out and trying to stay present. And, yes, it’s work. Hard, intentional, purposeful WORK.
Let me explain:
This isn’t leaving, it’s anxiety management. It’s calming my body down the very second I notice tension building. It’s choosing into a meditative practice when there’s still a list of other things to be done. It’s taking the automatic negative thoughts and the circular thinking and challenging them with truths, again and again and again .... and again.
None of that comes naturally to me, but I know too much to discount the benefits of or to sidestep the work.
My hypnobirthing classes and resources have been invaluable in the process (more to come on that later), as has my professional training and experience ...
I KNOW how important it is to a developing brain to know peace and calm versus fight or flight. I KNOW that anxious parents produce anxious kids. I KNOW we often manifest that on which we ruminate. I KNOW good parenting begins in pregnancy. I also KNOW that 0-18 months is when innate personality traits, secure attachment, and coping strategies are wired into a brain.
So, I choose to work hard at peacing out. Working hard at letting go, freeing up, and calming down. And it’s good.
If I have my way (at least in my current mind), this is the only time I’m doing the whole pregnancy she-bang. The only time I’ll watch my stomach expand beyond a food belly. The only time I’ll get to put the Mr.’s hand on that belly to feel an inner tumble. The only time I’ll have a baby shower. The only time I’ll have a viable reason to eat two cupcakes for breakfast ...
The last time the Mr. and I will be just us. That thought makes me tear up every single time. Cause I love us. I really do. And I am mourning the change, despite the excitement over what’s to come.
So, I don’t want to miss the blessing that is this passing season. As a result, I have to work to stay in the moments - to catch and stop myself when my mind jumps into tomorrow’s what if’s. Reminding myself that my energies are best engaged in today’s experience instead of spent out on tomorrow’s ideas ... it’s work.
But, it’s worth it. I like being here with my boys, squishing the pups and leaning into my husband. These are beautiful moments - spent chatting on the patio, in front of nightly Blue Bloods, listening to 80’s metal while putting a dresser together, online boat shopping, walking the neighborhood and local festivals ... I love this life. And, honestly, I wouldn’t want to bring a new love into a life I didn’t love so much.
So, my work is peacing out and staying present. For the remaining two months of this pregnancy ... and, God-willing, for the rest of this beautiful life.