I have NEVER wanted to do public speaking.
Actually, that's not true, I HAVE wanted to it. I've wanted talking to a group to come easily and naturally, fluid even. To exude confidence in self and topic? I have wished for it. Like most introverts, I've had my moments of wishing I were an extrovert, jealous of those who can command an audience, certain that life would be easier if I, too, could always know the exact thing to say in the best way at the perfect time. Oh, to not be too terribly introspective and awkward ....
But, alas, my lot in life is that of an introvert and my greatest fear (after spiders) remains putting myself out there and doing any and all versions of public speaking. I don't want to do it. I don't dream of succeeding at it. I've accepted my limitations. And I don't want to do it. Ever.
I want to do other things. Travel. Write. Concept. Play. Earn. Love.
I'm just not sure I get to do any of the other stuff if I don't grow some balls and step out of my box and quit the comfort zone. I have to kick the downsides of my introversion to the curb. I have to stop my clamoring for low-profile. I have to quit being timid in my uncertainty. I can't continue or succeed with a sense of low self-worth and diminished self-confidence.
So, Monday evening, I'm going to go speak to a group. I'm going to speak about myself and my profession and my thoughts on being about the business of change. And I don't want to do it. I've been a basketcase in prep for the past several days. I'm terrified. The shame tape is playing, repeating just how certain I am that what I have to offer isn't good enough, clear enough, etc. That terrifies me. But, I'm going to do it. Succeed or fail, I'm going to do it ...
Because I want to do other things.
Wish me luck? :)